Your Roommate: Neither Friends Nor Enemies

It’s a common situation: you’ve just moved into your dorm and you were looking forward to meeting your roommate. Hopefully you’ll have someone agreeable to live with for the next year, hopefully you’ll even become friends. But then after a few weeks … you’re done hoping. No, your roommate’s no so bad, but nothing clicks. He or she becomes someone with whom you share a room—and not much else. This arrangement isn’t necessarily bad or negatively reflecting your social skills. It just means that, hey, you’re two new college students who have just that, and only that, in common. Of course, there are a variety of other reasons you and the roommate don’t exactly match, but a peaceful and all-around enjoyable living situation can still be easily shared.

First off, if you’re not friends with your roommate and you don’t think your roommate is interested in being friends, don’t force it. There will be so many people you’ll meet and friends that you’ll make in college that whether or not your first-year roommate was a friend will be, frankly, trivial. No matter how nice or cool you are, some people just won’t be interested in being friends—one of college’s non-academic yet still important lessons. Still, she probably won’t think of you as an enemy right from the start (and if she does, she’s being awfully judgemental!).

You actually have it easy, in a sense. Once it’s established that your roommate is neither friend nor foe, all you have to do is … nothing. Well, almost nothing. Start developing your daily routine (or lack thereof)  and getting into the swing of college. Just keep an eye on your roommate and his reactions. If you guys don’t talk much, just be observant; it’s pretty easy to tell when you’re disturbing someone in a 150-square foot room. Or, just briefly discuss a few living guidelines and call it settled.

If you’re an early riser and your roommate sleeps in, keep it down. If your roommate often  studies in the dorm room, consider going to a friend’s to hangout. It doesn’t take upper-level neuroscience to figure out how each of you can live in peace. It does take some acceptance, though: perhaps you envisioned your roommate becoming your best friend, or, heck, at least your friend. As mentioned, it’s not a big deal and is very common for this not to be the case.

Be careful, though, not to let the we’re-not-friends mentality take too strong a hold. Just because you’re “not friends” doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly and, yes, even talk sometimes. If you and some other friends are playing cards or video games, it shouldn’t mean you can’t ask your non-friend roommate to see if he’s interested. Being friends and being friendly are too different things. The latter will keep the non-friend relationship at ease and allow you to both be civil, which is important when you still don’t know each other very well after months of living together—it sounds strange, but it could the case.

Finally, don’t let a decent relationship grow bitter. It’s already established that you’re not friends—that’s fine. Dorms have a tendency to brew gossip quickly, however, so keep any negative comments about your roommate to yourself. You don’t have to be friends, you don’t even have to like each other very much, but you do have to live together. Keep in mind that a lot of other students live on your floor too. So take a trip down the hall; there will be plenty of future friends just waiting to be met.